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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Slelf v. Emily

Let me paint you a little picture. At night, while sleeping, I will lash out at my poor wife as she sleeps. Got a good oil canvas there? I thought so. For serious though for some reason and without warning, in the midst of my no-doubt crazy dreams I will hear her whimpering or crying or saying "stop nate!" and will wake up to her in pain because of a rouge limb of mine or halfway off the bed as I am literally shoving her off. I have decided that this alternate ego (not schizophrenic personality) which come about only when I am sleeping- while I am my sleeping self you might say- is to be named slelf forever more. Sometimes slelf is just down right sadistic. For example ofttimes slelf will shove his own pillow off the bed or lose it somewhere in the mess of sheets he lives in, then out of laziness, spite or both he will full out pull the pillow from out of Emily's head and start using it like it was his all along and she had simply stolen it from him. In fact, these are some of my first thoughts when I wake up to her complaining that I woke her up by taking her pillow.

"What are you talking about?" I will say with some doubt and frustration as I assume she is the crazy one who is waking me up because she lost her pillow and thinks I took hers; something I would most definitely remember doing. Upon realizing my pillow is on the floor next to my side or somehow being useful to my feet instead of my head I will apologize half awakedly (yes a new word) and doze off once again.

I think Emily probably has a slelf too, although I'm not sure what she calls it and I am almost positive it is passive aggressive rather than full on aggressive like my slelf. And I think hers knows how to push slefl's buttons because sometimes he just flips and beats her till she goes unconscious and Emily goes conscious. Sometimes I will wake up to Emily's complaints that I kneed her in the thigh or buttocks (forest gump owns your judging minds). Sometimes slelf will just full on punch or elbow her in the closest available spot on her torso. Recently however, slelf took on a new form of mean.

I only felt the eyeball after the fact so Emily's side of the story is the only one I have to share. According to her, she could feel like someone or something was looming in front of her face, this caused her to wake up, although she kept her eyes closed for a moment. When she did open them, she saw for a split second one of my fingers just hanging over her directly in front of her eye. Without warning and almost immediately the finger poked her in the eye. I woke up to her crying and asking why I had poked her in the eye, and my pinky finger - probably the most insulting finger to get poked in the eye with- feeling a little like it had taken a quick dip in some water. All I could manage before falling back asleep was

"Oh my gosh are you ok?" which came out "wha, uhoh, you k?"  and "let me see that babe, make sure you keep it closed till you think it feels better. I am soooo sorry!" which came out. "lemme see? does it hurt? keep it closed. sorry, I don't  know what happen..." Then I passed out again. I think I was probably dreaming about pressing a button or something because slelf cant just move himself like that. Or can he? dun dun dun! no but seriously thats the craziest thing I have ever heard.

This morning after further review of the play I have decided that slelf needs to be taught a lesson. Not sure exactly how to teach myself a lesson while I am sleeping but I will figure something out. If anyone actually follows this blog and would like to leave me some suggestions...feel free. Till next time...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Missing Em...

I should be going to bed right now as I have to get up at 5:45 for work in the morning, but alas, I succumb to my thoughts which need some sort of venue in order to allow me some rest. Emily went to Baltimore on Saturday morning to see her parents. Its a much needed visit for them as the distance is far too great a barrier, especially for a family who has spent their lives in pretty much one place. I have to extern forty hours this week so I wasn't able to accompany, although I have always wanted to see D.C.

I just hung up the phone with her; the day was  long for us as we went to church alone. I was able to see my wonderful family and visiting cousin from Idaho today though. It was a nice distraction for a little while. I have never missed anyone in my entire life as much as I miss my wife right now. I feel as though over the years my poem-writing-romantic days have slowly begun to dwindle (don't worry, not ever completely), and so I'm not usually the type to blog a huge sappy love affair, but these two days have felt like two weeks. Sleeping alone has its pros on a queen size bed; my legs and arms flailed non-stop last night, leaving my sheets in a tangled mess, and I didn't have to worry about hitting my poor wife in the middle of the night while all of this happened. I can play video games and watch scary movies, and other bachelor-for-the-week stuff. None of which hold a candle to the cons. My bed is cold, and for the first time in my entire life I hate it. (My arms and legs were probably flailing in an attempt to figure out why nothing was stopping them). Little big Planet it much better with a partner, and comedies with my best friend are a lot more entertaining than scary movies. I'm not trying to weave a sad, pathetic, story here. What I'm trying to say is that in the short 8 1/2 months that I have been married to Emily, I have become eternally attached to her. Her every habit, her laugh, her voice, her being home. This attachment is permanent, because I can hardly bear a week of being without her.

We talk on the phone throughout the day but its not the same. We must say I love you in the most sincere way about a hundred times each phone call in what seems like an attempt to change the laws of physics and merge the cities of Baltimore and Mesa, but it never seems like enough. The last I love you seems like it should have been followed by more. I haven't stopped thinking about her all day. My phone dies early because I keep checking to see if she's called or text. I drive by places we've been or see things and wonder if she would think they were funny too. I feel like this sounds like a Eulogy- and thank Heaven it isn't- but i don't mean it to be that way. I just miss her, shes my other half.

During an LDS institute of religion class we took together before and during the time that we were dating, we learned a very important principle that I hadn't really applied to myself until after I was married involving Adam and Eve's experience in the Garden of Eden as described in the Bible. The man who taught the class was a religious philosophy major and fluent in Greek and Hebrew. He was an amazing teacher. In Genesis 2:18 God says it is not good that man should be alone and "I will make an help meet for him." Brother Richardson, the instructor of the class, told us that 'help meet' in Hebrew was worded (in Anglican) Ezer Kenegdo which means literally, 'equal opposite counterpart.' Woman was to be equal with man. But not just in general. Adam was given a woman who was HIS equal and opposite counterpart. A perfect balance to his strengths and weaknesses. Such a promise is given to all of God's children. Emily is my Ezer Kenegdo. She is my equal opposite. She is the positive to all my negatives, the force to all my motion. We learned in that same chapter when the scriptures read that the Lord formed Eve from one of Adam's ribs, that the translation for the word rib is 'Tsala' which can mean rib, board, or side. The Hebrew translation, he said, makes it sound more as if Adam was split in half. (figuratively he was given a second half) After she is introduced to Adam he proclaims in verse 23 this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. Brother Richardson explained that the bone and the flesh were symbolic of the strength of man and the ability of man to find happiness. Eve gave him strength for strength and eventually joy for joy. He also indicated that the Hebrew scripture read "this one at last," instead of "this is now." We learned too, in the verses where Adam is naming the animals of the earth, that naming something in Hebrew tradition (and in the common world today) meant that you understood its purpose. In chapter 3 of Genesis in the twentieth verse the scripture says that Adam named Eve, "because she was the mother of all living." He understood in a very respectful way, that Eve was purposed for a much greater cause. That she was to be the mother of his children and the matriarch of their family.

I know now how important it is that I have my other half. Emily is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. She has shown me so much that I would have never seen otherwise. I miss her so much. I couldn't live without her. She is my Eve, my Juliet, my Josephine, my everything. I love her with all my heart.

Friday couldn't come too soon...