Find sumtin:

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Slelf v. Emily

Let me paint you a little picture. At night, while sleeping, I will lash out at my poor wife as she sleeps. Got a good oil canvas there? I thought so. For serious though for some reason and without warning, in the midst of my no-doubt crazy dreams I will hear her whimpering or crying or saying "stop nate!" and will wake up to her in pain because of a rouge limb of mine or halfway off the bed as I am literally shoving her off. I have decided that this alternate ego (not schizophrenic personality) which come about only when I am sleeping- while I am my sleeping self you might say- is to be named slelf forever more. Sometimes slelf is just down right sadistic. For example ofttimes slelf will shove his own pillow off the bed or lose it somewhere in the mess of sheets he lives in, then out of laziness, spite or both he will full out pull the pillow from out of Emily's head and start using it like it was his all along and she had simply stolen it from him. In fact, these are some of my first thoughts when I wake up to her complaining that I woke her up by taking her pillow.

"What are you talking about?" I will say with some doubt and frustration as I assume she is the crazy one who is waking me up because she lost her pillow and thinks I took hers; something I would most definitely remember doing. Upon realizing my pillow is on the floor next to my side or somehow being useful to my feet instead of my head I will apologize half awakedly (yes a new word) and doze off once again.

I think Emily probably has a slelf too, although I'm not sure what she calls it and I am almost positive it is passive aggressive rather than full on aggressive like my slelf. And I think hers knows how to push slefl's buttons because sometimes he just flips and beats her till she goes unconscious and Emily goes conscious. Sometimes I will wake up to Emily's complaints that I kneed her in the thigh or buttocks (forest gump owns your judging minds). Sometimes slelf will just full on punch or elbow her in the closest available spot on her torso. Recently however, slelf took on a new form of mean.

I only felt the eyeball after the fact so Emily's side of the story is the only one I have to share. According to her, she could feel like someone or something was looming in front of her face, this caused her to wake up, although she kept her eyes closed for a moment. When she did open them, she saw for a split second one of my fingers just hanging over her directly in front of her eye. Without warning and almost immediately the finger poked her in the eye. I woke up to her crying and asking why I had poked her in the eye, and my pinky finger - probably the most insulting finger to get poked in the eye with- feeling a little like it had taken a quick dip in some water. All I could manage before falling back asleep was

"Oh my gosh are you ok?" which came out "wha, uhoh, you k?"  and "let me see that babe, make sure you keep it closed till you think it feels better. I am soooo sorry!" which came out. "lemme see? does it hurt? keep it closed. sorry, I don't  know what happen..." Then I passed out again. I think I was probably dreaming about pressing a button or something because slelf cant just move himself like that. Or can he? dun dun dun! no but seriously thats the craziest thing I have ever heard.

This morning after further review of the play I have decided that slelf needs to be taught a lesson. Not sure exactly how to teach myself a lesson while I am sleeping but I will figure something out. If anyone actually follows this blog and would like to leave me some suggestions...feel free. Till next time...

1 comment:

  1. I hope Steve doesn't read this or you may get more then a knee in the buttocks!!! On a happier note, Congrats on finishing your Vet clinic assigment, we are praying for you to find a fantastic job, you deserve it (unless you keep beating up my baby girl!!!).